Chronology

Silent screams of bitter anguish
Acid tears choke my voice away
My heart, imperfect instrument
Plays mournful ballads of your absence
Distorted and weak without your steady accompaniment
Can you hear my voice, my life, crying your name
And will you always answer?
Reality
Rough twine strips my flesh
Chafing, burning as I struggle to reach you
Clocks and calendars waltz around me
Both allies and enemies
Encouraging and taunting
Unpredictable in both promise and malice
"Can you beat the clock, boy?"
"Is your wisdom enough to fool time?"
Awash in your memory
Every nerve raw, exposed
Drinking you in
Your love an unexpected genesis
Brilliant light from hollow darkness
Yet too far away
I'm mesmerized by a familiar refrain
A mournful symphony of my past
"Mother, hold me
Press your lips to my tiny head
Am I as I was meant to be?
In my stupidity and ugliness
Could you ever learn to love me?"
"Father, tell me
Hold my shoulders, look into my eyes
Could your strong voice just once break?
Tell me I'm a good boy
Could I ever stir pride in your heart?"
No, no, no…
…No more, pull the plug
Alone, I rock myself, in time to sleep
Dreaming, swept away
A beaten ship
A tempestuous sea
Tossing against murderous waves
Will I ever reach shore?
Storm clouds streaking
Restless, electric skies
Trust and mirth, serpents, twist across the bow
And pull me under, sneering
"Have you ever done it right?"
"Why think of yourself?"
Again, my voice fails as I'm crying out
Where is your light?
I swallow water that tastes of bile
Oh please save me
I can't do this alone
Fingers encircle my wrist
Arms wrap my shoulders
Drawing me up and pulling me in
Your arms a safe and warm cocoon
The little child evolves
Boy to man
I break my bonds
Set free to run
To you
Silent screams
Of boundless delight
Suddenly given voice
A long journey ends
I am home

Camouflage

For Patty--Sept 25, 2000

Straining
Ensnared
Camouflaged thickets of mediocrity
Encircling my throat
Stealing my life's breath
Faint hope's air strafing with acrid regret
Tentative reaches for freedom
For reason, for life
Scarring
Harsh thorns piercing, gouging
Weakening my resolve
Dying, pulling me down
Is salvation my destiny
Or will I freeze
And forget what it meant to be me?
Patterns
Hinting blurs of soft pastel light
Soaking through the seams
Emerging into being
Rendering malleable the most rigid thorns
Coaxing coarse buds into bloom
Restraints, once solid, fall limp
Breathing
Gasping
Capturing the life my scarred spirit needs
Living, climbing, emerging
No longer fasting
A feast of reason and desire
My love, are you my destiny
Will you forever be the sustaining flame
That revives the spirit in me?

For My Angel

Taunting whispers
Judges, juries, executioners all
Insights awash in sarcasm
Blindfolded by sneering righteousness
False rationality, frigid science
Unable to raise the veil
Backs turned on beauty
Don't think…we know what's better
Don't feel…you'll only go astray
Don't need…you'll just become greedy
Never dare to love…
One life, one chance
One beautiful story Inked on a canvas of hope, of defiance
Two optimistic souls
A lone chance at rebirth
Through a razor-thin seam in time
Keep your soul exposed to me
I'll stitch my open heart to yours
When salt stings your wounds
My soothing spirit will cleanse you
When doubt and fear are crippling
My love will hold you up
Think…you know what's right
Feel…your heart is safe
Need… you too are needed
You must dare to love…
…as I love you

A Solitary Place

I have a solitary place
I go sometimes
To be alone
The landscape almost bare
Except for the things I create
A playground
For ideas, for dreams
Mine alone, and not to share
When people came
I'd chase them
With fury, I'd scream "This is not your place"
Make your own
And I'd be alone again
One day I found you there
I tried to scream
But nothing came
I watched
As you played with my things
The next time you came I was there
Waiting
I can't make you stay
But if you ever must leave
Please pick up after yourself
So my solitary place
Is still a place
Where I can go
To be alone

Adolescence Relived

Just turned fifteen today
Another year on record
Documenting my questionable existence
Countless crystalline shards of uncertainty
Adorning my heart gallantly
Reflecting my many disappointments
Glass-pierced wounds laid open
On display for all
To delight in wanton mockery
Arms reach down to lift me up
Caressing me lovingly, professing love
Casting me down mercilessly
Laughing derisively as my frail body breaks
Sheer panels of finest silk
Saturated in free-flowing plasma
Brought forth by vicious talons
Of those who profess compassion
I see their faces with truest clarity
Their heads drawn back in raucous laughter
Delight etched in their faces
I cry out soundlessly
Sixteen lies just months away
Each day holding nothing but despair
Every moment pleading for deliverance
From today and all my bitter tomorrows

Mother

When I look upon you, child
I dance
To the rhythm of your laughter
I play
In the mischief in your eyes
I see
So many bright tomorrows
I dream
You'll never feel anguish
And I remember...
When I look upon you, child
I remember
You once grew inside me
I know
You still keep a place there
I promise
To warm and protect you
I understand
Your need to grow wings
And I believe...
When I look upon you, child
I believe
For life you're my baby
And I love...
...Because I'm your mother

Translucent Frost -- A Dream

With my heart I embrace a dream
A distant evening, ensnared by winter
Passersby on cold city sidewalks
Glancing through frosted window panes
Feigning indifference
Yet sensing some warmth
Voyeurs to a special moment
Through the translucent frost
Compelled to intrude
Drawn to the radiance inside
Defiant to the darkness beyond
A small room bathed in candlelight
Two people, incomplete alone
Becoming one together
Poetry and art, music and laughter
Solemn promises and songs of dreams
Fingers entwined, eyes locked
Words spoken from depths of hearts
And poignant rebirth
For now, I'll dream
For now, I'll wait
Arms outstretched to that future horizon
Content and certain
That that evening, in that room
The promises made
Will melt translucent frost
And cast warmth and light
On cold city sidewalks

Ode to a Red Rose

He felt he walked amid lush gardens
Yet never saw a flower in bloom
Only wizened, twisted, dying roots and stems
Gasping for a fluid kiss from parched soil
Even these turned their faces from him
A mocking reverse osmosis
With gales of laughter
Echoing across a near-barren landscape
He yearned to see beauty
In these fields of loneliness
But saw little, felt little
Hoped for nothing
And laid his beating heart
At the base of the starving foliage
An offering in the name of beauty unknown
He watched
As the desperate spirits
Entwined his soul
And choked on the poison
Of lost hope, of unrealized dreams
He reached out amid the still darkness
Grasping for a long, cool rest
Even death, in disgust, turned away
Leaving him to bathe in emptiness
His eyes, closing, reaching for night
Caught a glimpse of red
A single rose
Casting a crimson shadow
Across a vast sea of nothingness
Compelled, he reached out
Laid a petal, gently, on the palm of his hand
Stroked it gently with his thumb
Fearing its escape
On a breath of wind
He held it with greater urgency
Noting a pink hue kissing his fingerprints
Reveling in his handiwork
He held it more tightly
Delighting as the pigment filled each crevice
The cycle continued, the color flowed
He laid back, facing the sky
Joyous in his handiwork
Basking in his glory, smiling
He rested his head
And saw at last
In a red, red hand
The lifeless petals, the broken stems
Red paint dripping through his fingers
A masterpiece of his creation
His and his alone
All alone

Adrift

Cast adrift on a tempestuous sea
Everywhere undiscovered territory
Here be dragons
No escape, no reprieve
Awash in the toxic bile on serpents’ breath
The guiding light of a blood-stained moon
Ensnared in an eclipse of mist
Setting many misguided courses
By a broken compass
Ready to go under
The latest adornment for a dark abyss
I ache for the flavor of an angel’s lips
Intoxicating in its sweetness
The warm caress of wind, as breath
Playing across my ear
To feel the span of her being
To touch her spirit, to feel her life
I die anew
Each time she takes wing
And am reborn
Each time we face the sky together
From our own safe shore

So Many Questions

God, are you real?
Have you set aside a place for me?
Did you hide your face from mine
While I danced a ballet of shame?
Did you turn away, in horror, in disgust
When I cast aside my dreams, my spirit
And ran amok in the darkness?
Was it you who distorted my mirror
So it could render no beauty?
Was this some test
A game that spanned years
To measure the depth of my torment?
Was it you who taught me
To distrust trust
And disbelieve belief?
When I fled from you
Why did you not pursue me?
And why, God, if you're there
Did you wait so long
To make yourself known?
Why, after all these years
After all these sorrows
After all the fears and tears
Where you let me stray so far
Did you send such an angel
Who pulled me from the darkness
And helped me find myself?

Dreams

For Patty, February 28, 2001

Dreams
Oft-changing fabrics of an intricate weave
Colors blending
Yet retaining defiant contrast
Patterns emerging
Faint, shadowy, as if a silhouette
Then brilliant, vibrant, alive
An organic kaleidoscope
Facets of reality masked in the surreal
Each dream a solitary pursuit
A blank canvas awaiting the master’s touch
True love fashioned in the finest cloth
The fabric never rends or frays
Dynamic patterns ensnare beauty
And the color never fades

All My World's a Stage

Give a nice warm welcome
To me, myself, I
The world’s sad puppet
A comedic actor perpetually on stage
Circus mirrors everywhere
Drawing gales of laughter
From strangers on the street
Even as my tears are spilling
Or as I shriek in rage
Laughter keeps my heart beating
“I was only kidding”
My mantra, my code
If I don’t laugh, I cry
If you don’t laugh, I cry
Welcome to my theater
Take a seat up front
And watch the parody
Special performance tonight
Tragedy and Comedy share the stage
The curtain can never rise
It hides so much
Each set a perfect replica
Of a scene in my life
Painted all in black
At center stage
My heart, clad in thorns
Before the curtain
My body flails
As a mad puppeteer jerks the strings
You see me as a whole
Body and heart as one
Help me pull myself together
Show me when I need to perform
And when I can rest
Show me how to smile
Without crying inside
Teach me how to give you Comedy
Without the taint of Tragedy
Take me off the stage
And into your world

You Alone

I wander through vast fields of humanity
(Or what would vainly profess to be such)
Yet weep at the desperate barrenness
So many transparent shells, such faint shadows
Cold discarded stillborn of tragedy and comedy
Vacant automatons no longer searching for souls
Their destiny a poorly rehearsed parade march
“Left, right, left, right Have to pick up the kids tonight”
Each a lead player in a marionette’s stilted performance
Smiles painted in conflicting hues
Circus clowns gyrating in strobe lights
Laughter betraying shattered spirits and lost hope
Nothing to stir the dust into sunlight
Every step, every gesture
In time, in distorted but deliberate rhythm
With the industrial pulse of the street
I cry out, looking for lives to touch
And hear my strained voice in echoes
Could that have been a whisper?
Amid all those lifeless visages
I am drawn to your face alone
Enraptured by your sweet humanity
Joyous for your existence, for your life
Indebted for the faith you’ve given me
A red rose against monochrome
I run to you -- scrambling, reaching, crying out
Screaming as I flail my arms
Casting the mannequins aside
Overcome by the ecstasy of you
Holding fast to each moment, barring its escape
While ever grasping for the next
Knowing that my every heartbeat is yours
My soul a vessel for our passions
My life, your life, our life
One life

Silver Wheels

For Patty -- July 24, 2001

Silver wheels glide, relentlessly, over gleaming rails
Severing ties that sustain our proximity
Each screaming union of steel echoing my anguish
As time eludes us anew
Beats of motion harmonizing against metal
A violent percussion against my heart
I close eyes and ears to dull my senses
Yet my soul rebels against solace
Even dreams yearn to reverse my direction
My spirit, fragile, delicate as crystal
Jostles violently, threatening to shatter
Casting minute shards into a chasm of eternity
What if fate deals a malicious hand
And sweeps you far from me
So that no wheels, no rails, no dreams, no prayers
Could ever bring you home?
Why would life ever be so cruel
As to demand such journeys of me
When you're my only destination?

Requiem

For Patty

Weathered snapshots preserve distant memories
Still images of a life lived well
Animated by the stories they hold
She views these in vibrant color, with fluid texture
Playing in the eyes of her children, and theirs
She feels him near, so very near
His soothing voice, his gentle caress
His warm breath across her ear
Beckoning softly –- yet she hesitates
Needing to linger a moment longer
To hear a child’s laughter
To feel a cool night’s breeze
To bask in the scent of roses
To taste the summer rain
To mother her children once more
They’re grown now, she reflects
Each with such pride, such humor, such hope
Each crafting their own histories
But ever knowing who carried them here
Just one life, but a part of so many
They’ll whisper goodbye, but hold her hand tight
Reluctant to let her leave
They too hear his voice, his laughter
Asking to take her hand, to lead her In the dance they never had
To music of love resonating across time
The rhythm of a sweeping waltz
Carrying them through eternity
Should she choose to take his side
She’ll reach out once more
Her sorrow mixed with joy
And touch each life with a mother's love
With a gentle whisper over tear-stained cheeks
Cementing her memory in theirs
A most poignant tribute
A memento of her rebirth

My Children

Will you teach me, my children
To paint fresh dreams in vibrant color
To sprint, defiant, through wind and rain
To set aside my frets and fears
To relish sweetness within falling snow
And to dance against the sky
Will you help me recall, my children
Mysteries long forgotten
The adventures of the everyday
Lend me your sight, just once, I ask
That I might see, but one more time
The life in clouds and candy
And feel life’s magic anew
Will you promise me, my children
To learn from my failures
Lay open your heart, stretch your mind
Turn your eyes within yourself
Learn, laugh, love, live
But never forget to be children
My children

Land of Grace

For Patty -- September 19, 2001

What masterful stroke of destiny's hand
Delivered us to this land of grace
A microcosm inhabited by two, as one
Where dreams take flight on angels' wings
And intimate creations of man and mind
Are painted in blood of adoring hearts
In this place, tears are currency
Of laughter and joy, hope and pain
A self-hewn Utopia to house our spirits
I'll pledge you my now...my always
I'll love you as my wife
Binding your finger in promises of forever
Binding your soul in promises of me
Life--love--everything is you, to me
In this, our world of shared dreams
A world of ours alone

My Addiction

for Patty--October 3, 2001

In what strange dance do you lead my spirit
Amid confusing strains of both joy and angst
Well knowing how frailty stifles my grace
As my spirit, though defiant, struggles to rise?
I must lean on you to keep me upright
Or resign myself to nothingness
I dared to play in the realm of the broken
Inciting memories to play, then consume
My heroine, like heroin
My thirsty veins drink you in
To slake the thirst of each hungry cell
That sustains my newfound being
My every breath, though stilted
Seeks harmony with yours
And you haunt my every dream

Breath on Skin

For Patty - October 17, 2001

Take my hand, my only love
Mesh my fingers firmly amidst your own
Lead me beyond the veil of darkness
Let me bask, content, in your luminosity
Help chase away unrelenting fears
They poke and prod, then laugh and hide
Dry these acid tears with breath on skin
Pour your passion into my tortured heart
The world without you was cold and stark
A gypsy's vigil across a barren wasteland
Cries drowned out by spurious narcissism
A mannequin ignorant of his need for strings
Touch my spirit, my only love
Let me be my best for you, for us
Share your light as I grow mine
And drench your soul in my desire
Revel in the completeness of my love
Fear not time, nor place, nor circumstance
I'll be the fearless guardian of your spirit
And you'll ever feel my breath on skin

The Cruelest Gift

Dancing on a precipice of perpetual twilight
Courting demons, waltzing with darkness
Each cry smothered in cloying emptiness
A tortured soul displayed in a rusty gibbet
Face twisted in a gargoyle’s grimace
Joyfully piercing voodoo dolls in self likeness
Despair my prophet, hate my soulmate
As the gods turned away in shame
Unable to weep for this fallen one
Then you
What cruel conspiracy dared offer you to me
Stepping barefoot, fearless, amid my shattered being
A hint of fantasy in a vivid nightmare
Dull light playing on the edge of shadow
Stepping without fear into my endless death
Allowing my love to swallow you
You offered me life, and I stole yours
I loved, but my goodness was myth
I murdered you as you smiled
You chose blindness to avoid evil’s gaze
I gave my soul to you, all damaged goods
What gift could I ever be for you?
No phoenix rising, merely Icarus
Crashing to the blackened earth
With a china doll in my wizened hands
Oh, why did you have to love me
When your only reward was my easy cruelty
Why was I so weak, so frail
That I could not protect you from me?
I should have chased you from my door
Yet I selfishly beckoned you in
Should have held your eyes open
But let you sleep in my claws
You dared face the spider in the heart of his web
Tasted his poison and, in paralysis, lingered
And now begins your slow demise
Last breaths escaping in a gasp of silk
Why did you dive into this chasm
So freely heeding the banshees’ cry
You, my salvation, my love, my life
The dream I was never meant to have?

Song of a Life

November 16, 2001

Morning’s vapors pervade my prison
Subtle menace adorns their mystery
Coarse fabric opaque to breath, to light
Porous only to decay’s steady fragrance
I’ve sought relief within reason and logic
Yet break beneath emotion’s intrusion
Scrambling, yearning warmth – I freeze -- then burn
Bars that restrain also brand and scar
As I hurl myself forth with no sight of freedom
What led you to this place, to me
To witness my writhing with each spectre’s touch
Images of lives once lived, by me, and now you
Perhaps you were lured by my promises of Eden
Rose petals, candle wax, shrines to your heart
Or were you seduced by this song of my life
Did you absorb its tune, but then fail to see
The tortured child who composed this piece
His day of birth should have been his last
My only chance at angel’s wings
What compelled my heart to expose this passage
What compelled your heart to step inside
Entranced, you followed my song’s odd strains
And I slammed a thick door behind you
You’re welcome here – sit down, relax
A chalice of something bitter, perhaps?
Ignore the grimace that frames my visage
It was there long before you came
Too many attempts at a poignant aria
Too few attempts at a measured life
Selfishly, I sought, in you, salvation
Made you laugh, for a time
Then shattered your smile
I stole your life, your hopes, your dreams, your voice
Fashioned them to fit with my sad, twisted vision
And added new notes to my mournful song
Escape now, my love, before you cannot
Run, before my wickedness consumes you
Close your ears to my shallow composition
Ignore the tolling bells’ haunting rhythm
Leave me to greet my end of days
And put a rest to this sad, fractured song of my life

Labyrinth

My mind is a labyrinth
Twisted planes and razor edges
A mass of complex distortions
Locked doors shielding vast chasms
Things died here
Writhing in agony before fading out
Life's breath consumed
Giving birth to nothingness
An angel lit here once
Stood defiant against the din
Refused to turn and flee
Wielding a spear of light, of hope
Piercing the infinite darkness
Do you see, my love
You've transformed this landscape
Brought flora to this barren soil
Mirages gain sharp focus
Love laps against the shore
You navigated my labyrinth
And shaped it into paradise
Life thrives here
My life
Your life
Our life
Life

Self Portrait in Green

Waves of reality lap at a surreal shore
Hastened by tepid breaths of passion, of fear
Jagged stone stark against a liquid crimson sky
Sand and salt awash with faint memories of blood
They came here to die, and they died well
To this resting place where nothing finds peace
At the zenith, a fortress – organic, as of flesh
Its nadir a gaping portal to the depths of hell
The structure holds dominion yet stands drunken, unsteady
Pulsing, pounding, at one with the surf
An insect upended with limbs thrashing against dusk
The study’s dark walls entomb a solitary figure
Cast in fluid relief by damp licking flames
Like Kafka playing with Dalis while Rockwell weeps
Writing and reflecting, writing and reflecting
Quill certain, then hesitant, and then utterly possessed
Like a seamstress crafting needlepoint on a voodoo doll’s head
Loud silence -- no, the strains of a lullaby, distorted
A mother’s soothing tone, drowned amid cymbals’ perpetual crash
And yet a clock and the flames have the only real voice
He is I, less one, I decide
Consciousness ethereal, then of fleeting substance
Like those self-same waves
Or as smoke cast by an unseen cigar
Apparent when light deems fit, then vanishing
How might I reflect on this uncertain life
Is this what I am, was, could be?
This mask of a face distorts, transforms
Gargoyles not of stone but self-portraits in motion
Comedy to tragedy, beauty and terror, good and evil
And the cycle repeats
Perpetual emotion, perhaps – I smirk at the irony
The pen dances on paper that thirsts for ink
A soul eternally snared on this abstract plane
Where all might live and yet all is dead
Light and dark and so very many shades of gray
Each slice of life reflected on paper and in skin
Aged parchment immortalizing his life’s many errors
The uncertainties, the failures, the endless wrongs done
His one true happiness a faint flickering image
Here, there, gone, here briefly again
Could he have loved without slaying her spirit
Thrusting this sole treasure to the chasm below
For fear of this very fate?
He laid open his heart and sought of her the same
Flirtations of safety, security, sanctuary, peace
Winning her heart and then envying its being
Unleashing jealousies like a plague
Choking, cloying, dominating
A criminal feigning to judge
Jesters' tears and barbs offering little good humor
His poetry so base when uttered aloud
Driving love through love like a rusty spear
And silencing her pulse because he dared love too much
The child has died – does the man thrive?
Who can love life by wasting away?
Where worms clean the wounds, then linger to feast
Who is really left?
In a shattered mirror I first greet my true face
Translucent membrane sheer on a leprous spirit
Death in life, life in death
So familiar, this marionette with tangled strings
He is I, as one
What I am, was, and am condemned to be

Nightmare

November 6, 2002

Night steals in -- faint shadows betray its ingress
Deepening shimmers of gray sired by black and white
A kaleidoscope of nothingness spins and twirls
The sun concedes dominion and retreats
The light, the day, the world we see is gone
Returning soon but rarely fast enough
As fear plunges talons into my vulnerable consciousness
I am prey, yet no prayer promises relief
Nurturing silence slain as my screaming begins
I am the prisoner of the night, the prisoner of I
Victimized by the collision of reason and fatigue
Red liquid is slung, like war paint, across my face
I see myself laid open, my heart uncaged, but free?
No real freedom, ever, but free to provide shelter
To restless worms whose bloodlust never sates
Stillborn, or could I still be born, dying here now
Amid cloying heat and stench of carrion
The voice of earth beckons, hungry, in a growl
Victims many, convulse, fall, expire
Churches burn, schools are razed
Can you follow the bouncing bodies
Bump, bump, bump, a compelling beat
With snare of cymbals giving voice to cries
Too many to count, and the verse haunts anyway
One two, buckle my shoe – it rhymes, how clever
Mama shut the door ‘til I was three – or four
Where purest night first made my acquaintance
And claimed me for all days and desires of time
Oh, how very many were the lessons learned
Of love, of passion and the omnipotence of hate
And of life’s many fresh and innocent prisoners
The infant girl thrashes against barbed mesh
Her eyes see nothing -- nothing but my fragile soul
Accusing me, her executioner, the rapist of dreams
Why? It hurts, Daddy, why?
Because I am I
And you are you, and this is the hand you were dealt
And you can’t fold, oh no, you must bet it all
Knowing that this house never lends the upper hand
Everything limps, unless it slithers or does not move at all
Is this damnation?
After a fashion, I suppose
But this God too is in the details, and they are hard to bear
Run? Where?
And it would find me besides
It always does, no matter how I hide
Greeting me with a jagged grin and creeping stench
Inviting me to dine, as guest of honor
I recline on the table as the knives carve flesh
Screaming as each raw slice is consumed
It’s my simple destiny, this day and every day
When light, so fleeting, departs in defeat
And the night, each night, in its rebirth, must feed

Away

For Patty -- October 17, 2001

I leave this morning, I know, it's dark outside, and in, and the pain is there, pulling, straining the tender skin of my heart, and oh, my love, you look so small , so frail, there, below, without me, no arms about you, and my breath escapes, a tear sneaks out, hangs a moment on my cheek, like good wine, then falls, and sits on the pillow, where my head just was, and you sleep, you dream, and I must go, must face the day, but the tears come, for today, this day, is a day without you, even though you're there, I know, and I kiss your cheek, so soft, and smell your skin, and you smile, you grumble, that way you do, and I turn away, walk away, my tear left behind, with you, but not me, and I face the day, this day, without you.

Polished Marble

For Patty -- January 7, 2002

Tormented by specters borne of imagination
Exaggerated shadows seep blood to all sides
Light is mirage, illusion, in self-imposed blackness
Fears feed well on a teat of self-loathing
No room for weak realities amid crowds of perceptions
Yet perceptions adhere with barbed thorns
Attempts to ascend seem futile, unreal
Polished marble extends no purchase
All that is certain is what we share
You set the price my life is worth
Parameters of my world are what you draw
And yet I bring disease to paradise
Set you on pedestals and then shake the bases
Promise dreams and spin fresh nightmares
Say I trust and then interrogate
Offer love and then torment
Plead for smiles and push to tears
I’m sorry
Sorry

Spirit of the Water

For Patty -- January 30, 2002

Waves cast their spirit against jagged stone
Confident in metamorphosis, rebirth
Certain of infinite renewal
Void of true life, yet teeming with passion
Perpetual motion across a liquid dance floor
From below, the image distorts, reshapes
Millions of suns ensnared in soft, fluid glass
A kaleidoscope muted in a translucent haze
Landscapes that mutate in random delight

Spirits of the water, your allure consumes me
Seeks to entice me to silent, brooding depths
To tempt me where no light or life dares
To darkness omnipotent, cold and pure
Icy tendrils of fauna yearn to lead me in dance
Holding me tighter as I gasp for breath
Screaming in silence as I learn the steps
One two-three, one two-three
A passionate waltz in a mariner’s grave

I shun these voices, these sirens’ songs
Turn away from their seductions, their lies
I stay to the surface, atop the restless waves
Your memory and reality keeping me afloat
Basking in your light, reveling in your warmth
In wonder at the vastness of your love
And listening to the pleadings of your heart
As you implore me never to dive

Wings of Steel

For Patty -- March 12, 2002

Wings of steel pierce a cloud-wrapped sky
The world I call home falls away as we ascend
Row upon row of humanity’s cages
Anonymous pieces on an organic game board
As they grow ever distant, I envision their prisoners
Living death masks animated by pretense
Where love and indifference are coldly synonymous
And resentment and apathy are imposters for ambiance
I trace the stiff rows with a cold finger on glass
And wonder what strange justice determines my fate
That I, who love and live, find myself pulled away
My hands, my body, my mind, all slaves to circumstance
My heart still with you, in your care
Its broken shell inside me, longing for reunion
I yearn for the woman who makes my house home
Whose beauty adorns everything that pleases the eye
Into whose arms I can fall hard and feel safe
My love, my very life, my only true sanctuary
As these wings of steel scream through the night
I swim fitfully in tears of my loneliness
Drowning in dark anonymity, freezing, alone
A speck on a seat in a machine in the air
Coasting above a fading game board
I’d offer my soul just to be able to play

Why I'm doing this

For the past seven years, I have turned to poetry many times as a means to express emotions I may otherwise have repressed. I write for various reasons, often exercising little reason. Sometimes, I'm inspired by a fear I have, or by an anxiety, or by something that strikes me as amusing or ironic. I write when I am angry and I write when I am happy--and even, at times, when I've had one too many.

A great many of these poems allude to experiences my wife Patty and I have shared, or have hoped to share. There are some poems that bring me instantly back to places I have wanted to leave behind, and others that can cheer me up regardless of the depths of our hard times. I have tried, with varied success, to use poetry as a means to communicate with others, to demonstrate empathy and to express admiration.

I can't create a good painting or play an instrument; I'm pretty rough around the edges at home repair; I love sports but have never been much of an athlete; and, regrettably, I am brutally shy around much of the human race, in spite of what people might perceive. I don't even know that I'm especially good at creative writing...but at least it's something at which I feel moderately competent.

I'm posting these poems for a few reasons. First, Patty feels they are worthy of sharing, and I value her opinion more than that of anyone. Second, I have already lost several of my poems to computer failures, so this seems like good, preventive behavior. Finally, I feel like I want to share these experiences and memories with others, in spite of my reservations about how they may be received by some.

If you don't enjoy poetry, or if you don't wish to know what I think and feel, please don't read these poems. If you're of the mind that writing poetry isn't something that guys should engage in, please exit now.

With all these caveats, I hope you enjoy something you read here.

Brian

P.S. All of these poems are original works of mine, and therefore should not be reprinted without my permission; hey, they may not be great, but they're mine. Thanks.