Thursday, February 1, 2007

On a Five-Spot

I don't pray, really
Guess I need your realness
To see me through the day
Could I hold a prayer in my arms
When I dream of storms of fire
I can say you're everything to me
But I'm too insignificant without you
To count my everything as something
Things of value are only worn paper
Without your magic
You are my angel
Salvation from myself
And a world too loud for your silence
To be within what I can bear
This life we've forged is my sustenance
The stuff of all the dreams
I cannot surrender
To crushing loneliness and despair
Live forever for me

And Still I Sleep

Sometimes the dreams are all too real
I know not whether to embrace them or flee
Past, present, future -- too many choices
Where the mind and heart so often collide
Life should be simple, but existence is so complex
Tormented, sophisticated banter between gods and demons
So many disguises--this is happiness?
Life may be beautiful if the day can't drag you down
Yet it always does--in its deceptive grandeur
It should all be so easy, but it never is
Never can be, never will, so why fight the inevitable
Know too much is a bath in poison
Put on a happy face while standing on my head
In my dreams, I hear the worst, the real
Of an unforgiving world, every true world
And I freely invite darkness
Into the bastion of my weakly guarded dreams
...And still I sleep...

Stepping Away

For Patty--April 18, 2003

You step away
Just out of sight
Or a million steps
It makes little difference to me
My heart pulls loose the strings
Screams against my weakness
My prison, my home
I'm engulfed in the harsh words
That spirited you away
I can't pull chords from air
The distortions of a heart
Apologies to the dead air
I tell you now, in my shadows
Forgive this frail, weak soul
All my love means nothing
If I rob the love from you
Even as I scream, I cry, I die inside
Flail against, then so often surrender
To the torments of my captor
I hold you in my heart, so tight
My true love, my heart-locked prisoner
Don't step away

Embrace the night

September 8, 2001 (and, as I noted, "hammered")

Anxious, I embrace the night
Let its velvet tendrils envelop my transient spirit
Allow its soft moisture to drench my bitter soul
The world's diseased blood courses through
My drought-parched veins
Inspiring the softest dreams
While consuming me with nightmares
In this darkness may I welcome light
Or must I forever dance in a necromancer's footsteps
Never truly knowing what rests beyond
Will gravity, defiant, press me to the pavement
While my love envies wings
Can I kiss the optimistic clouds
Will you free me from the cold world's shackles
I scream, but choke on my own reprimands
I can fly, I can dream
I can ascend beyond myself
But only in your sky, your universe
Rest this desperate night in my arms, as you

Thinking of Dragonflies

For Patty -- on the night we chose a wedding date -- January 11, 2002

Thinking of dragonflies
So free, so unrestrained
Boldly claiming a midnight sky
Tasting the air you breathe
I gasp as I feel the flutter of your wings
And I die just a little
Each time I reach for you
And you fly just a half-second beyond my reach
Let me clip your wings
Just a little
Knowing how fragile you may be
And let me pull you in with a breath
I could never exhale

Friendship

Why did you dare
Enter my distorted reality
This cold, bitter and dark home
I fashioned for my mind and soul
Candles, flames, warmth and love
Arouse my suspicion, beckon my dread
An oasis from pain, or just a mirage
Eyes closed, or blind, you choose not to see
My humor hides a tormented heart
I open my soul yet seek your betrayal
Nothing borne of joy has permanence
Your love, your being, me and everything
Passion of a life or an endless nightmare
If I fail to wake, you certainly will
And I will die in silence, in desperate confidence
That this was my real world
My real life, your sad misfortune
Your blindness is my purest gift
If you were real, I am not
Or you would not be here
You would live only in my imagination
Or in the lives of those who deserve your company
And I would never have lived at all

Redemption

Summoned are we all, to this realm of dreams
Where twilight's gauze hints of mists and myth
Of equal consequence here, the weak, those of night
All lines curves, all colors shades of gray
Alone, each of us, with our history and thoughts
Reason and insanity, a to z, z to a, all points in between
Perhaps here I'll find my truest self
Slaying dragons and freeing angels, silencing howling voices
And bring him back, that he might live, may thrive
And this shadow, I, the forever me thus far, may die

Apology

For Patty--September 13, 2005

What great many things must I still learn
In soft and graceful tribute, to you
To this love, all abstractions and complexities
Nuances, even, subtle, yet profound
In tastes of sleeping breath, so warm
In smiles from every angle, like facets of gems
In tears, dreams, fears
In the rhythmic rise and fall of our nocturnal dance
In words I toss like throwing stars, to your face
To your heart
Mocking the forever you shared so freely
And yet reaching out, clawing, gasping
Seeking, in such divine sincerity
What I cannot always recognize, in haze
Beneath the surface, there, mine, for no other
I fall, again and again, while yearning
To forever be your beloved, beyond any veil
I drown in questions, in tortured possibilities
What ifs are what are, at times, it is true
Like roses fragrant with bitter almonds
To prisoners who cling to open cells
Waiting for a heart to stop beating
Even if only in metaphor, for me, for this life
And what happens, then, if hearts betray
Does one fear dawn for what may invade night
Or embrace tomorrows as promises to be kept
You, so entirely divine, one I dared not dream
Watching me fail, so often, trapped as I am
In these webs of uncertainties, of unknowns
Trying to learn a great many things
About abstractions, in complexities
Of nuances in sleeping breath

I Would Die for You (an Acrostic Poem)

For Patty, on our 4th wedding anniversary--January 15, 2006

Ideal realities elude one so decidedly common
What makes this man deserving, above others, of this
One fleeting – no, enduring -- moment with your generous spirit
Under cloaks of uncertainty you have fought for us
Leader, lover, confidante, most special friend
Dying once, it would seem, yet too defiant to leave
I would take it all, know this, were it within my power
Eros, utopia, a glimpse of perfection, you, my love
Forever woven in fibers of a soul, a reason to breathe
Open to you always, thirsty for dew of your breath
Reunion my daily quest as I await your soft footfalls
You, my present and my legacy, my hope, my desire
One person, yet so many, so many mysteries
United, committed, together, as one

Snapshot

For Patty--July 25, 2006

Why would you guard your essence
From my camera's yearning eye
As it begs to author a history?
In every frame a narrative
An instant of you, your presence
An emotion, a realization, a moment
A frozen whisper
Selfish, I blur out the periphery
Keeping the shadows gently from focus
Only this, for now, to grace my lens
This hint of then, of this, of what
Of chapters unwritten, images unseen
Of cautious promises of you

Six O'Clock News

June 2, 2003

Take this hand, take me far away
Blind these eyes so no longer must I see
That which disgusts…me
Please oh god oh
Please oh god please
Purge bile from this tattered psyche
Every thought burns, every sound a scream
Need a fresh coat of red on that wall over there
Step to it, kid, what’s the holdup?
You died today, you died, you…
Stop…I won’t listen…no, I’m not
La, la, la, la… fucking fag
Stop it pussy, aw, going to cry?
Silence the bitter siren’s song
This vast ocean churns but leads nowhere
A local man is dead in what police…
Abyss awaits, stop or you’ll drown
Relax…and breathe…and again
But I’m a good person, drink, drink
That’s it, just a few more
Perfect pockets of air spit and drop
Dissipate, as though you never were
Nobody ever missed you
Never once
Details as yet are sketchy…
Was I ever I?
Another’s nightmare, maybe
Or everyone’s?
Ugly baby not your pretty brother
Filled you up with ugly ideas
No better as a fucking child
Worse as a so-called man, ha, man
With more ideas, just shit ideas
Believed he took his own life…
You deserve nothing, you’re worth less
And worthless, ha, ha, that’s so funny
Brother’s got the car, shouldn’t have been so ugly
And stupid, oh so very stupid
It’s not me, it’s you, need my space
No, not next to me, somewhere else
You fill me with shame, you’re sick
I’m your mother, I should know
A single gunshot wound to the head…
You’re not important, don’t think you are
Oh that will look nice on your swelling ego
Getting too big for your fatass britches
Just because you make silk purses
From your own ear…listen…click
Pull me to safety, release safety
Find your release, you can go now
Paint it red, paint it, paint it you fuck
It can stop, oh it never stops,
Coward’s way out
Pull it fucking loser
Or I’ll never stop screaming
Hey coward, let me show you the door
On your way out?
Oh yes you are, you really fucking are
Pull it pull it pull it pull it pull it pull…
Family members described him as an ugly piece of shit

Sleeping Angel

for Patty – June 2, 2003

Sleeping angel you dare enchant me so
Seducing with your relentless perfection
Denying my descent into the world of dreams
As instead I fall into all that is you
Sleep eludes as I indulge all senses
And passion, thought quelled, ignites anew
Fingers trace your features in darkness
Gentle give of lips just kissed
Private scent of drowsy whispers
A face I long to cradle, to hold
That I might taste your breath again

In softest voice my life again pledged
Words of my soul at long last set free
You are the spirit that conquered my sorrow
Yours is the heart through which courses my blood
Your beauty, boundless, fast overcomes me
I barely halt progress of an escaping tear
In your slumber can you feel my desire?
Temptation nudges me to rouse you
That I might again succumb to my longing
Instead I endure this most gentle torture
Blessing destiny for so angelic a gift

Enveloping your form within me, I draw close
That your skin will be mine, your flesh my own
Shielding you from all but my limitless love
Jealous of your dreams for stealing you away
Longing for daybreak and your graceful return
Is this my reality--could this really be you?
Here I find peace that so often eludes me
Here is the energy that keeps me alive
I once more draw my lips close to your ear
A final tear escapes as I take in your beauty
And sleep finally comes, to synchronized hearts

Self-Portrait in Shades of Gray

Voices reflect, redirect, wax, wane
Fluid, here now there, nowhere
Amorphous mist weaving strands of time
Layers drawn together, apart
Weak echoes from distant horizons
Children’s glee, pain of the aged, traffic
And rain, falling down here, like you have
Learning to open eyes, to see, grow
Blinking, on/off, on/off, off you go, explore
Snapping uncertain images
A universe to click and catalog
You knew you once, he thinks, but tries not to
So blind, believing in this sun
So warm, like breath, thinking dark light
Was that really you, once
In your slow waves curling, breaking
Navigating an ethereal plane
Lost, awash in random imagination
Lord, king, master of the naïve
It’s all here, but it all moves
Still images cauterize memories
Yet they move and you move them
Feel the sword pierce, inhale the dragon’s breath
You knew, you, but not you, no
Not in her smile, no smile -- no smile
The one who brought you here
You sought this voice, sought your own
Be seen, not heard, find silence
Hide that tiny voice, dare not to sing, you
Put tiny fingers in this hand, stand back
Reflecting, redirecting, what is it now
The images become clear, then fade
Only joking, really, just a joke, please laugh
Give instead something to cry about
Come to her, go away now, just go, now
Don’t want to see you, not now, pestGo and build your loneliness, that room of yours
That mess, it’s really stupid, you are
Stupid, see, oh how very stupid
Now she laughs, that’s the right joke
See you, do you finally see you
Open your eyes, now, mirror’s here
Hurry, look, because she’s busy
Open them when she tells you
Open your eyes and see
And, yes, for her, he sees
He really sees himself, once
Reflects, redirects, clicks, blinks
Sees just what she wants, for her
He sees him, you, for her
And never blinks again

How?

How could I ever find the words
To capture what you mean to me
How even the notion of your scent entrances
How your eyes dissolve all walls
How your photograph sings with life
How can I say what words cannot convey
About love that solves my hardest puzzles
How your hand in mine encircles my heart
How your whispers are a symphony
How your absence rends my spirit
How can I ever tell you fully
What you’ve done to change my life
How your laugh gives boundless hope
How your dreams sound just like mine
How your memory screams with joy
How can I tell our wonderful story
When all the best words fail me
How my every thought is a portrait of you
How my fears fall in your radiance
How my love could never die
How can I tell you these things
And so many more I have to tell
When the best words I can come up with
Are “I love you”?

Be Strong

Be strong, I deceive myself
Let memories shore you up
Let dreams be your fortress
Against the ravages of night
No moment is a lifetime
No day an eternity
Photographs can sustain you
As can voices across miles
Think of many tomorrows
When dreams will gain substance
Days will only be days
And nights won't be desolate
Hold on to what you can
Stay the course
Patience will spawn relief
And lovers will be united
Forever

Change in Direction

I had always drawn comfort
Facing mirrors in darkness
Claiming my tears were of laughter
Spinning silken lies into profound truths
Never seeing the future beyond the past
Always taking the opposite direction
Fleeing in terror from myself
You’re changing my course
Forcing me to face my image
Pulling me together as I fall apart
Taking down the webs I need no more
Helping to blaze a new path
Taking my hand in yours
And leading the way

Adrift

Cast adrift on a tempestuous sea
Everywhere undiscovered territory
Here be dragons
No escape, no reprieve
Awash in the toxic bile on serpents’ breath
The guiding light of a blood-stained moon
Ensnared in an eclipse of mist
Setting many misguided courses
By a broken compass
Ready to go under
The latest adornment for a dark abyss
I ache for the flavor of an angel’s lips
Intoxicating in its sweetness
The warm caress of wind, as breath
Playing across my ear
To feel the span of her being
To touch her spirit, to feel her life
I die anew
Each time she takes wing
And am reborn
Each time we face the sky together
From our own safe shore

Six Months

For Patty--Feb. 7, 2001

What words can you say
To the one, the only one
Who could repaint your world
Ensnare you with a smile
Provide the light that restores vision
The love that restores faith
What words can you say
To the one, the only one
Who could rescue you from despair
Open a portal to the future
Pump life through your veins
And feed a cold parched heart
What words can you say
To say what no words can
To lend ecstasy to prose
Animation to emotion
The dreams that never end
The reality that blossoms
I cannot find these words
But I know you can
Look into my eyes, my love
Keep your place within my heart
You're the one, the only one
Who can see, can feel
The words I cannot say

Resurrection

Author of my rebirth
You've resurrected a shattered spirit
Drawn me gently away from a chasm
Broken my fearful embrace
From a slow, willing emptiness
Dreams had failed me
No promise they could offer
Could match what you have given
There must be a heaven
I've explored it in your heart
My world opens to yours
As certain as a wildflower
Embracing spring's light
The future beckons
I answer its urgent call
But I'll take no steps
Without your hand in mine
And my love in both our hearts
I could die in this moment
And feel I've truly lived
But now I want eternity
It's not so much to ask
For so perfect a love
Our love

Ever After

For Patty--04/11/01

Is this the chapter
In the story of my life
Where they live happily ever after?
Can epilogue be prologue?
Can I tear away the pages
Before the dragons are slain
Before prince meets princess
And captures her heart?
Let's craft a new fairy tale
Where ever after is every moment
And joy is our kingdom
Let me wake each morn
With your eyes before me
Help me face each dawn
As a celebration day
A new beginning, a rebirth
A child's first glimpse of light
A breath of hope
Into a miscarried life
Take my hand
Take my heart
Take the rest of my life
Let every minute, every second
Author dreams to last a lifetime
And on every page
Can we please say
Happily ever after?

Of Me and Not Me

Down time, floating in my depths
Invisible, there but not, yes, fluid
No, visible, perhaps, solid, or not
But alone, yet not -- me, and not me
Accompanied, in pursuit, alone
Here just my self, no, not, but me
Where do I go, gone, here, there, no
And, wait, what, who comes, nobody
Comes tortured whispers, cries, joy
Screams, silence, too loud, no, unheard
But known, no one, no one, one, two, more
Just me, and not me, mine, ours, who?
Blinding darkness, alight, dark, bright
Frayed, afraid, me, yes, or no, sure
Who’s there, no, leave, not here, not me
Or not me, stop, my fear, my joy
Alone with me, not me, us, and me
Crowded, me, not me, all but not me
Stop, be silent, I can’t hear, me, or not
Help me, oh please, but
Don’t, not me
Help me, cold, no, hot, frozen
Please, please don’t, alone, too many
Me, not me, all of us and me, but not me
Please, cold, what, no, what, no, see
No, yes, oh yes, for me, in depths
Not me, so deep, shallow, but not me
Is it, no, well, no, well, yes and no
Invisible in plain view, you see
No, not, but yes, you do
See, scream, me, not me
Help
Me

Just an Evening

For Patricia--May 15, 2002

Sienna, amber, sepia, gold
Colors dance through our space like flags of fabric
Flames lapping at the air, yearning to draw it in
To sample its sweet essence, its intoxicating perfume
As light plays in teasing waves across marble skin
Thrashing against restraints of my own patience
I hold still, but drink thirstily from wells of desire
And of laughter both childlike and informed
My heart, my time, my now, my world, suspended
Breath held fast for fear of dreams’ flight
No breeze to play across butterflies’ wings
No weather reports out of Moscow
Clinging to fading tapestry
The record of a most savored moment
Nothing, for now, never, but this
A celebration of all that is you, my you
A perfect moment, a snapshot for eternity
Etched in mind, spirit, heart, life
Perpetuated in love
This moment fleeting, precious, like crystal
Helpless on its descent to a floor of substance
Free your mirthful spirit, child, woman, love
My spirit frolics to these sweet strains
And all my senses consume you
My love, my life, my only dream
Painted in sienna, amber, sepia, gold

Waltz of Consciousness

For Patty – August 1, 2002

Sleep crawls in under night’s soothing blanket
With a comforting voice it compels, please follow
My mind, ensnared in a day’s many traumas, resists
Then surrenders, too frail to repel fatigue’s advance
And I drift, like so many leaves on a pond’s surface
Floating, falling, descending into calm darkness
Into the realm of magic, the domain of dreams

A pinhole of light pierces the ebony curtain
Then explodes in a confetti burst of color
Sharp contrast in one instant, blurred motion the next
Things familiar and foreign competing for center stage
Light, music and the suggestion of a scent
Neither sweet nor sour, not old, not new
Amid a downpour of disembodied emotions

Even the dead sit as guests of honor here
With equal voice and substance as those who yet live
No bottlenecks between memory and precognition
Real, unreal, surreal, all coexist in harmony
In folly, I attempt to inflict a sense of order
Searching for hidden meanings, pursuing some bold truth
As thought bubbles collapse under weight of the fantastic

I know this journey, have taken it so very many times
For all that is familiar, it is forever destined to be new
A landscape of feelings – love and laughter, suspense and fear
Chaos a marionette dancing to the mind’s strains
When sleep releases its hold and reality draws me back
Memories are as fleeting as the dream scene itself
As day clears the canvas for this night’s fresh creations

Pair O'No/Yeah

May 29, 2002

Clear skies abound – storm clouds must be imminent
Darkness in the wings, Act II: Eternal Night
Exit stage left, please don’t ever turn back
It’s your life story – haven’t you heard? It’s a tragedy, you know
Doesn’t stop critics from consuming your carcass
Get in line sir, ma’am, there’s plenty for all
Ride the night mare, he’s yours and yours alone
He’ll take you where you least want to go
In your finest health you writhe, you bathe in pain
As warm smiles thinly disguise the cruelest mockery
In dulcet tones they scream derision and praise
We’re so proud you never do anything right
Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone, oh no, no
There’s always someone in the house with you
The rapist, therapist…they’re almost the same
They’ll never mind your mind, lest you mind, mind you
Sleep, child, sleep – until the cradle will surely fall
Amazing how baby came down, so far down
Down, and further down still
Pull the umbrella from a hemlock cocktail
All fun and games until you lose your eye, eye, skipper
Stormy seas ahead…and behind, and here
Watch, helpless, as well-meaning passersby plot your demise
Don’t be hasty, dining’s fine at Chez Borgia
You’ve got a great table, now sit the fuck down
Wine, whine, wine, whine…suck it up, there’s more
Get up, that’s great, you didn’t detonate
At least this time…ha, ha…feel safe with that
Trust me, please, I’ll always let you down
Laugh at all your jokes—hey, you’re the grandest
I’m killing myself laughing…would you return the favor?
That’s it run, run, run, run
Hunting you down will be fun
Hey, that rhymed -- though there’s no rhyme nor reason for you
Lights green, don’t go…wait…wait…
Wait for the yellow, or even the red
Then you won’t find yourself stuck in a crowd
As you become the latest statistic…what number are you?
What was that? Shh…listen…I’m sure it’s something
Don’t hate yourself, we’ve got that covered
If you don’t believe us, ask the others in your mind
Please use other sidewalk, your mugger awaits
Go ahead, don’t be shy…it’s okay to die today
He’ll shake your hand, then shake you down
His demons bolder than your demons
You lose, you win, in loss you win
He, she, they, always one step ahead
And you dare not look behind

Dance of Redemption

For Patty--Valentine’ Day, 2004

Light, life, love, they dance
Spurred by time’s gentle nudging
Memories lead, reality follows
Hearts strive to reign supreme
Resurfacing?
Sheen of myth dares tarnish
As wealth’s guardians wreak havoc
I shared rank, you captains of industry
Or so my mind betrayed
(betrays—dare not think this)
A mere marionette, no more
Tangled threads, arthritic hands
Dance as you may on hobbled legs
Collapse
Sinking, resurfacing? No
A gasp
Life’s breath invades, yes
Reawakening?
One—but one—may paint redemption
Canvas of a life fresh crafted
I breathe of your air, your essence
And taste a promise
Love, this waltz
May not conquer, all, in truth
But my life
My truth
Is you, as for I
A choice to both lead and follow

Nobody's Lament

for Patty--September 4, 2002

Nothing dies lest memory render it mortal
All lives on if few may bid it rest
One wants to be someone, once
No somebody when everybody thinks everything
Yet just of one, godlike in martyrdom
Angels are not alone transparent
Not only pure of spirit celebrate fame
In truth, he has not risen
And I, broken, awash in infamy
Toss gold pieces at a dream of hope
Bribing a void that casts fortune away
Small minds may fall to smaller minds
Absorption in absurdity
Captivity in contradiction
What defense against the eternally paternal
What’s each child to discern, to see
The god or the imposter
When the faithful guard their blindness
And shield eyes of the young
At what price does one show the light
If such truth brings gods to earth?